Trying To Find Peace Amidst Chaos

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much meditating, mantra and yoga you do. No amount of incense sticks around the house is enough to ground you and bring you to center.

I am there right now and I literally do not know what to do with myself. I am completely stuck in quicksand, I feel a mess. I can’t seem to focus even on the things I enjoy doing.

Nothing I do feels organic, natural…I am on auto-pilot just waiting for the next day. I feel like I am officially on the passenger seat of my own life and I do not know how to feel about it. I definitely do not like it a bit.

That is definitely one of the things I learned about manifestations and all those things. Learn to let go of control, learn to just relax and trust things will happen when they happen. I love the theory behind it, but the reality not so much.

My brain is being pulled in multiple directions but nowhere at the same time. I feel like I am constantly thinking but not achieving anything or getting anywhere. How is that even possible? I can’t seem to focus on anything, interesting or not and I am tired.

I am guilty of spending countless hours scrolling through countless useless information on social media purely because I can’t seem to find any joy in what is right in front of me.

I am selective with what I watch though. I became very aware of what brings me joy and what is just a waste of grey matter. I know I could be using this empty space with productive things but I can’t and I feel guilty.

Self awareness is another problem here. When you are just doing things without noticing or acknowledging it you can’t hold yourself accountable of your own bs.

But when you did some internal work, therapy and you start to notice all these things that you are deliberately doing, the guilt you feel for ignoring it all just makes it worse.

Is almost like you are making the choice to self-sabotage your own growth and sacrificing your happiness on purpose. Who wants to live with that?

Be present they say. Stay in the current time. I can’t. I do not want to. I do not like how my life look at the moment so asking me or trying to force myself to focus on it just makes me want to run away even more.

The hardest part is that all seem so perfect from the outside. I have the perfect house, the car, the healthy daughter and I am pretty healthy myself. Finances are ok, the dog is happy, the plants are alive. So what is missing?

Why do I seem so ungrateful? How many people would jump for joy if they could have only one of these things I have. And here I am, moaning…tired, exhausted…completely drained mentally, emotionally…and physically.

All I have at the moment is this picture of the ideal life I want, and it is all I can hold on to. And the amount of anxiety that I have because it all feels so tangible but so far away at the same time absolutely consumes me.

I know what I want and what brings me happiness. I know it is there but when? How much longer do I need to hold on to the idea instead of the actual real thing?

Oh yeah, I forgot. My diet is completely off track. I don’t even remember the last time I exercised. Just to add a little twist to this already twisted storyline.

I do my little dances here and there but that’s just not enough because I know my body isn’t where is supposed to be. And I am not talking about how it looks, but how my body feels.

I know I can do better, I know I can heal, I know what works for me and I have the tools to pull myself out of it.

But like I mentioned a few paragraphs back, my attention is being pulled in so many directions, the last thing in my priority list is a nutritional and balanced diet and my mental health. It feels as bad as it sounds.

I am fully aware that I sound like teenager throwing a tantrum but this is very real and I can literally feel it in my body. Divorce is tough and it really messes you up. It is taking every ounce of patience I have.

I catch myself constantly remembering relaxing techniques to at least try to keep my feet on the ground and not on someone’s face. And by someone I mean my soon to be ex-husband.

I know that life is constantly throwing these tests at us. I know that if you are religious you probably think that God gives you these burdens because it knows you can carry them.

Well, respectfully, He made a mistake. I do not want this. I did not sign up for it and I do not claim these burdens. I want peace and quiet and hot cocoa with cute colourful marshmallows, rainbows and unicorns and all that good stuff.

I want to wake up one day and just have an empty brain. With no concerns about anything. With that picture I have been envisioning finally here. I am sick of these manifestations techniques. I just want it here already.

Oh and all the tarot readings – that I love and very much respect by the way – saying that my blessings are coming. Where? Wherever they are coming from they NEED to pick up the pace because this girl is getting old and tired.

I miss those days where I could just randomly sit in silence and meditate to some spa music and feel at peace. The nature sounds, the incense filling the room and that sense that everything is as it should be and everything is going to be ok.

I miss that and I swear I am trying to be compassionate towards my ex and myself even. I am trying not to drown in my own catastrophic fake scenarios and be hopeful but it is getting too much.

I have no idea of the actual topic of this post, but I desperately needed to vent. I guess sometimes everything just needs to feel messy so when it falls into place you appreciate it.

Maybe I am just at the edge of an amazing breakthrough and beautiful things are just around the corner. I do not know and that is the problem. The unknown. The lack of control over the circumstances and time.

Not knowing if you are even going to get there at all. The “Trust your journey” phrase that I have tattooed feels more like a slap in the face to look at now. I do not regret it though, it is just ironic.

The irony of thinking I was in that place once and it all felt so relatable that I had to have it permanently marked on my body as a reminder.

I know we are all going through things. We all have battles to fight daily and demons that will forever haunt us. I am only asking to pause so things can stop spinning for a bit.

I am just looking forward to calmer waters and for this pain on my shoulders to go away.

I know my headaches are not only from lack of water but also because of the tension on my neck, caused by the tension on my shoulders that is directly caused but general tension and basically stress.

I think the most annoying thing is when you know everything you are doing wrong regarding your own behaviour, your body, your attitude towards life but you just can’t pull yourself out of it.

I know how to heal myself. I know what my body and soul needs but I don’t feel like doing it. I have the tools but I do not have the energy to use them.

So maybe I just need to let it hurt physically and emotionally for a little longer. Accept that sometimes you just need to let yourself feel defeated, feel like a failure, feel tired and like there is nothing left to fight for.

And trust that eventually it will all click back in place, where is supposed to be. Maybe it is the last piece missing for it all to fit perfectly.

I guess that is just life. The cliché of the ups and downs, rock bottom downs and then sky rockets ups.

I just feel I would cope better just with the middle ground. Not up, not down…just average. Average sadness and average happiness. Right there in the middle.

I would happily sign up for an average ride but I guess this isn’t a choice so I am left with my half intentional unfocused meditation, average effort yoga and temporary mediocre food choices.

And to whoever is in charge of my life story I would like to let you know that I am very invested. I can see that you are very into sharp turns and twists and unexpected change of directions.

I appreciate your dedication to making my life rather interesting, but I would also like a little break in between seasons? Or maybe let’s say…a few boring, predictable, sugar coated episodes?

This became some sort of complaint form to the Universe, God, writers, avatar creator. Hoping to get wherever is supposed to get because no amount of praying and meditating is doing the trick.

The chaos is getting boring now and actually predictable. If you want to make it interesting now, give me peace and quiet.