How to Stay Connected to Your Children Following a Separation

In this article, we’re sharing tips on how to stay connected to your children following a separation or divorce. 

Many parents who go through a divorce assisted by family law solicitors, say one of the toughest parts of a divorce is being separated from their children. 

If you don’t manage to gain full custody of your children, it typically means your kids no longer live with you full-time. This means it’s often difficult to retain a close relationship with them, but not impossible. In this article, we’re sharing our tips on how to stay connected to your children following a separation. 

How Does Divorce and Child Custody Work?

In the UK, around 93% of sole residence awards are granted to the mother during divorce proceedings which suggests that the scales are very much tipped against the father. 

Thankfully, in most cases, a divorcing couple is able to work out a schedule for custody and visitation. However, this still usually means that one parent misses out on some significant quality time and important milestones when the children don’t live with them full time. 

Many parents feel that this creates a disconnect between themselves and their children over time and effectively robs them of their role as parent. 

How to Stay Connected to Your Children After a Separation

Retaining a close relationship with your child following a separation may not be easy but it is important and so, in this section, we’re sharing tips on keeping the connection strong with your kids when you live apart: 

Doing it for the kids

Staying connected to your children following a separation starts with yourself and your former partner. Try to refrain from bad mouthing one another in front of the children. Many children will absorb their surrounding subconsciously, so you should never be too careful about what you say to them. 

It’s also incredibly important as creating such a division often makes a child feel forced into choosing between their parents; something which can cause a great deal of stress to the child as well as the parents. Make an agreement between you to speak about one another with respect – however hard that may sometimes be. 

Keep Plans Consistent

We all have busy lives and we know that from time to time, events beyond our control may mean that plans have to change. Having said that, children rely on routines to make them feel secure. This means that it’s important to make a schedule for visitation – and to stick to it wherever possible. Constantly missing or changing visits will tend to make a child feel let-down and unimportant and so, unless it’s absolutely unavoidable, avoid this harmful habit. 

In the same vein, when you make a promise to your children such as a day out or a trip to their favourite pizza joint, you need to honour this if you don’t want your kids to start to distrust your word.

Keep in Touch

In between visits with your children, staying in touch is vital; particularly if long distances or long absences are involved. These days, we’re blessed with numerous methods of communication, including social media, so make sure that your kids have different ways of getting in touch with you in order to reassure them that you are still present – even when apart. 

While methods of communication are important, so too is the content. Following your separation or divorce, you may feel that you just want to put the whole thing behind you; however, your children are unlikely to feel the same way. 

The separation of their parents can make children feel unsettled and insecure and it’s essential that you listen to – and respect their feelings. This means letting them talk – and answering any questions that they may have – for as long as it takes to help them regain a sense of security. 

Quality over Quantity

When you don’t get to see your children every day, you need to tread a fine balance of the mundane and the special. In this situation, many parents fall into the trap of spoiling the kids during every visit, meaning that they develop unreasonable expectations as well as setting impossible comparisons for the other parent. 

Instead, plan your visits to combine everyday actions (helping with chores, doing homework and going to bed on time) with activities that the children enjoy such as playing football or watching a film together.

Following the separation, there’s a good chance that the kids are going to miss some of the family traditions from when you all lived together – so it’s now time to make some new ones for yourselves. 

This can be as simple as making a pizza from scratch before watching a film or, if you have the kids for the weekend, a Sunday afternoon walk. These things can help your children forge a sense of belonging in your new home and to see this new family unit as an exclusive club. 

Staying connecting to your children following a seperation…

A divorce is disruptive and distressing for everybody concerned and it’s natural for children to feel angry and upset at the changes happening in their lives. As a parent, it’s your job to reassure them that they are loved and valued by both parents and to encourage them to keep talking about how they are feeling about what’s happening. 

It may take a little time to adjust but it is absolutely possible for you to successfully stay connected to your children following a separation and maybe even forge a closer bond than before.