Ever found yourself falling for someone who’s about as emotionally available as a brick wall? You’re not alone. I’ve been there too, repeatedly drawn to those charming souls who are allergic to commitment and vulnerability. The good news? We can break this frustrating cycle with some honest self-reflection and practical changes to our dating approach.
1. Recognise Your Patterns
Take a moment to jot down the similarities between your past relationships. What red flags did you ignore? What emotional gaps did these partners never fill?
Our brains love familiar patterns, even unhealthy ones. By identifying the specific traits that attract you to emotionally unavailable people, you’ll catch yourself before falling into the same trap again.
I once realised all my exes were workaholics who’d text rather than call; classic emotional distance disguised as busyness!
2. Heal Your Attachment Wounds
Childhood experiences shape how we connect with romantic partners. If your parents were emotionally distant or inconsistent, you might unconsciously seek similar dynamics because they feel familiar.
Therapy; particularly styles focusing on attachment; can be transformative. My own therapist helped me see how I was recreating my relationship with my unavailable father through my dating choices.
Understanding your attachment style doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s worth every moment of self-discovery.
3. Raise Your Self-Worth Thermostat
Low self-esteem acts like a faulty thermostat; you’ll accept the emotional scraps that match your internal temperature. When you truly value yourself, emotionally stingy relationships feel unbearably cold.
Build your self-worth through activities that celebrate your strengths. I started a weekly ‘wins journal’ where I record moments I’m proud of, from nailing a presentation to setting a healthy boundary.
Remember: someone’s inability to connect emotionally reflects their limitations, not your lovability.
4. Watch Actions, Not Words
Emotionally unavailable folks are often brilliant with poetic promises and future fantasies. I once dated a charmer who’d wax lyrical about our future home while consistently cancelling actual dates.
Create a mental scorecard that weighs actions four times heavier than words. Does this person make consistent efforts to see you? Do they follow through on small promises?
Consistency might seem boring after the rollercoaster of unavailable partners, but it’s the foundation of genuine connection.
5. Slow Down The Dating Process
Unavailable partners often thrive in whirlwind romances. The intensity creates an illusion of intimacy while actually preventing deeper connection. I’ve fallen for this trap more times than I care to admit!
Try the three-month rule: observe how someone handles stress, disappointment, and conflict before emotionally investing. Genuine availability reveals itself over time, not in grand romantic gestures.
Slowing down feels counterintuitive when chemistry’s sizzling, but it’s your heart’s best protection plan.
6. Befriend Your Loneliness
Fear of loneliness drives many into the arms of emotionally unavailable partners. Better someone physically present but emotionally absent than nobody at all, right? Wrong!
Loneliness is uncomfortable but not dangerous. I’ve learned to sit with it rather than immediately filling the void with unsuitable partners. Gradually, it’s become less frightening.
Solo activities that bring joy; from pottery classes to hiking; help reframe alone time as refreshing rather than empty.
7. Create A Relationship Values List
Without clear values, we default to chemistry as our main relationship compass; a notoriously unreliable guide! Emotional availability rarely tops our conscious priority list, but it should.
Write down your non-negotiables for emotional connection. Mine include regular check-ins, vulnerability sharing, and willingness to discuss feelings without defensiveness.
Keep this list on your phone and review it after first dates. It’s amazing how quickly ‘but the chemistry was amazing!’ arguments crumble against clear values.
8. Strengthen Your Emotional Intelligence
We’re drawn to emotional matches. If you struggle to identify and express feelings, emotionally unavailable partners won’t challenge your comfort zone.
Boost your emotional vocabulary beyond ‘fine’ and ‘upset’. I started a feelings journal where I name emotions with specificity; not just ‘bad’ but ‘disappointed’, ’embarrassed’, or ‘insecure’.
Practice vulnerable conversations with trusted friends before attempting them in romantic relationships. Your growing emotional fluency will make emotional unavailability painfully obvious rather than comfortably familiar.
9. Look For Green Flags, Not Just Red Ones
We’re experts at spotting red flags but often clueless about green ones! Emotional availability has clear positive indicators worth celebrating.
Green flags include consistent communication, appropriate self-disclosure, and interest in your inner world. My favourite? When someone circles back to something you mentioned days ago; showing they actually listen and remember.
Create a green flag checklist and actively seek these qualities rather than just avoiding negative traits. Dating shifts dramatically when you’re hunting for health rather than just dodging dysfunction!
10. Expand Your Dating Pool
If you’re repeatedly attracted to emotionally unavailable types, your ‘type’ needs an upgrade! The mysterious brooding artist or hyper-successful businessperson might seem irresistible, but consider dating outside your usual preferences.
I challenged myself to accept dates with people I wouldn’t normally consider; like the chatty accountant who seemed ‘too nice’. Turns out, emotional availability can grow on you!
Dating apps are brilliant for this experiment; set different parameters and say yes to people who seem kind rather than exciting.
11. Practice The ‘Pause and Reflect’ Method
Attraction to unavailable partners often feels like an unstoppable force. But you can insert a crucial pause between feeling attraction and acting on it.
When you feel that familiar pull toward someone, take 24 hours before agreeing to a date. During this time, consciously evaluate whether you’re attracted to genuine connection potential or familiar unavailability patterns.
I’ve saved myself countless heartaches with this simple cooling-off period. Sometimes the most powerful word in dating isn’t ‘yes’ or ‘no’; it’s ‘let me think about it’.
