Marriage might start with sunshine and roses, but certain habits can quietly erode even the strongest bonds. After two decades of counselling couples on the brink, I’ve spotted clear warning signs that often predict trouble ahead. These seemingly harmless behaviours creep into relationships gradually, but their impact can be devastating. Let’s explore the relationship habits that might be silently pushing your marriage toward the danger zone.
1. Scorekeeping like it’s a competitive sport
Remember that time Dave forgot our anniversary, so I deliberately ‘misplaced’ the remote for a week? Petty scorekeeping transforms your marriage into an endless tournament where nobody actually wins.
Couples who mentally tally every slight, forgotten chore, or perceived injustice create a toxic environment where resentment festers beneath forced smiles. The relationship becomes less about partnership and more about evening the score.
Rather than keeping a mental ledger, try addressing issues directly when they arise. Your marriage certificate wasn’t meant to double as a scorecard!
2. Criticising character instead of behaviour
‘You’re so lazy!’ hits differently than ‘I’d appreciate help with the dishes.’ When criticism targets who someone is rather than what they’ve done, it becomes impossible to resolve issues constructively.
Character assassination creates defensive walls thicker than castle ramparts. Your partner can change behaviours, but feeling attacked at their core identity breeds hopelessness and withdrawal.
I’ve watched countless couples transform their communication by simply shifting from ‘you are’ statements to ‘I feel’ conversations. Small language tweaks yield massive relationship dividends.
3. Bringing the silent treatment back from secondary school
Ah, the silent treatment; that mature communication strategy we apparently never outgrew! Nothing says ‘healthy marriage’ quite like pretending your spouse is invisible for days on end.
Silent treatment creates emotional abandonment while technically still sharing living space. It’s particularly cruel because it offers no pathway to resolution; just punishment without parole.
Even heated discussions with raised voices typically cause less relationship damage than icy silence. At least with shouting, there’s still acknowledgment the other person exists! Communication, even imperfect, keeps connection possible.
4. Treating in-laws as outlaws
My friend Sarah spent seven years making snide remarks about her mother-in-law’s cooking before realising she’d poisoned her own marriage in the process. Family friction creates impossible loyalty binds.
When you marry someone, you inherit their entire quirky family tree; annoying branches and all. Forcing your partner to choose between you and their family often backfires spectacularly.
Healthy boundaries? Absolutely necessary. Outright hostility? Recipe for disaster. Finding a respectful middle ground with in-laws dramatically improves your odds of marriage longevity, even if you’ll never be best mates.
5. Financial secrecy that would impress MI6
Secret credit cards. Hidden purchases. Mysterious cash withdrawals. Financial infidelity might lack the drama of romantic affairs, but it destroys trust just as effectively.
Money arguments predict divorce more accurately than disagreements about any other topic. It’s not about how much you have; it’s about honesty and shared goals.
One couple I counselled discovered £40,000 in secret debt only when applying for a mortgage. The betrayal felt as devastating as discovering an affair. Transparent money conversations might feel awkward initially but prevent catastrophic relationship explosions later.
6. Prioritising children while neglecting your partnership
Becoming ‘Mum and Dad’ instead of ‘Sarah and James’ seems noble but creates relationship quicksand. Children thrive best when their parents’ relationship remains solid.
Many couples pour every ounce of energy into parenting while their partnership withers from neglect. Then they’re shocked to find themselves living with a stranger once the nest empties.
Regular date nights aren’t selfish indulgences; they’re relationship preservation! The greatest gift you can give your children is modelling a healthy, loving partnership they’ll want to emulate someday. Your relationship deserves maintenance too.
7. Weaponising intimacy (or lack thereof)
Using physical intimacy as a bargaining chip transforms what should be connective into something transactional. ‘No dishwasher emptying, no bedroom fun’ might seem clever in the moment, but creates lasting damage.
Similarly problematic is using rejection as punishment. Physical connection becomes loaded with anxiety, resentment, and power struggles rather than mutual pleasure and bonding.
Healthy couples recognise intimacy as vital relationship nourishment rather than currency for exchange. When bedroom activities become battleground activities, both partners ultimately lose the war for connection.
8. Public roasting sessions disguised as ‘just joking’
‘My husband couldn’t find a matching sock if his life depended on it!’ *cue uncomfortable laughter from friends*. Humour at your partner’s expense might earn temporary laughs but causes permanent harm.
Publicly highlighting your spouse’s flaws, even wrapped in ‘humour,’ signals fundamental disrespect. The embarrassed smile they offer masks genuine hurt that accumulates over time.
The strongest couples I’ve counselled maintain a united front publicly while addressing concerns privately. They understand that protecting their partner’s dignity strengthens rather than weakens the relationship. Save the roasting for chicken dinners, not your marriage.
9. Refusing to apologise (or apologising without changing)
‘Sorry you feel that way’ isn’t actually an apology; it’s blame in disguise! Genuine accountability remains shockingly rare in struggling marriages.
Some partners avoid apologising entirely, viewing it as weakness rather than strength. Others offer empty words without behavioural change, creating relationship groundhog day where the same hurts replay endlessly.
Meaningful apologies include acknowledging the specific action, expressing genuine remorse, and committing to different future behaviour. Marriages thrive when both partners can admit mistakes without defensive manoeuvres or counter-accusations.
10. Nurturing separate lives under one roof
Parallel living; where you share an address but little else, creeps in so gradually many couples don’t notice until they’re essentially flatmates with tax benefits.
Separate friends, hobbies, and schedules aren’t inherently problematic. The danger comes when there’s minimal overlap or shared experiences. Without common ground, emotional connection withers like unwatered plants.
Healthy couples maintain individual identities while intentionally creating shared worlds. They recognise that marriage thrives in the balance between autonomy and togetherness; neither complete merging nor complete separation creates lasting happiness.
