As we grow up and build our own lives, it’s easy to forget how our actions might affect our parents. The relationship between adult children and their parents can be complex, with both sides navigating new boundaries and expectations. While we’re busy chasing careers, raising families, or simply living our lives, we might accidentally cause pain to the very people who raised us. Here’s how we might be hurting our parents without even noticing.
1. Forgetting to call or visit
Life gets hectic, doesn’t it? Between work deadlines, children’s activities, and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life, weeks can fly by without ringing mum and dad. What feels like a busy spell to us might feel like deliberate neglect to them.
Parents often won’t mention feeling forgotten – they don’t want to be a ‘burden’. But those missed Sunday calls or postponed visits add up in their hearts. My friend’s mother kept a calendar of their chats, revealing months-long gaps her daughter never noticed.
2. Making major life decisions without including them
Remember when you’d dash home to share every tiny triumph? Now you’re announcing engagements, house purchases, or career changes on Facebook where your parents find out alongside casual acquaintances. Ouch!
Parents who once bandaged your scraped knees suddenly feel like outsiders looking in. They’re not expecting veto power over your choices, just the courtesy of being looped in before the rest of the world. My mum still mentions how she learned about my brother’s engagement through his partner’s Instagram post.
3. Dismissing their advice without consideration
“Oh Mum, that’s so outdated!” Sound familiar? I’ve certainly rolled my eyes at parental suggestions, assuming they couldn’t possibly understand modern challenges. How shortsighted of me!
While technology and society evolve, human nature remains remarkably consistent. Behind seemingly old-fashioned advice often lies decades of wisdom about relationships, work ethics, and life’s pitfalls. Parents feel deeply hurt when we dismiss their guidance without a moment’s thought – it signals we don’t value their life experience.
4. Criticising their parenting while raising your own children
“I’d never let my child eat that much sugar” or “We’re raising ours with much firmer boundaries” – statements that cut deeper than we realise. Parenting critiques strike at the core of their identity and life’s work.
Your parents raised you during different times, with different resources and knowledge. They navigated parenthood without Google, parenting books, or Instagram experts. Even mentioning how you’ll “do things differently” can sound like you’re declaring their methods inadequate. A gentler approach acknowledges their efforts while making your own choices.
5. Taking their help for granted
Free childcare, emergency loans, home-cooked meals delivered during busy weeks – parents often continue supporting us well into adulthood. Yet we sometimes accept these gifts with casual thanks or, worse, expectations that they’ll always be available.
My neighbour’s parents drive 40 minutes each way twice weekly to collect their grandchildren from school. When asked about compensation for petrol, their daughter replied, “But they love doing it!” Perhaps they do, but acknowledging sacrifices matters. Genuine appreciation – not just hasty thanks – makes the difference between feeling valued versus used.
6. Sharing family conflicts with outsiders
Venting to friends about your mum’s annoying habits or dad’s outdated opinions might seem harmless. For parents, however, discovering their family struggles are coffee-shop conversation can feel like profound betrayal.
Family privacy matters tremendously to older generations. They were raised in eras when dirty laundry stayed firmly behind closed doors. While therapy and close-friend discussions are healthy, broadcasting family tensions widely or on social media can damage your parents’ dignity and trust in you.
7. Skipping family traditions without explanation
That Christmas Eve gathering or summer holiday tradition might seem like just another calendar entry to you. For your parents, it represents continuity, family identity, and precious opportunities to connect across generations.
Last year, my cousin casually skipped our grandfather’s birthday celebration for a friend’s housewarming. “There’s always next year,” he shrugged. Grandfather passed away three months later. Family traditions often carry emotional significance we don’t fully appreciate until they’re gone.
Even when we can’t attend, acknowledging the importance of traditions shows respect for family bonds.
8. Being constantly distracted by technology during visits
Finally made it to Sunday lunch at your parents’ house? Brilliant! But if you’re checking work emails between courses or scrolling Instagram while dad talks about his garden, you’re not really there.
Parents notice when our attention is fragmented. They might not understand our always-connected work culture, but they absolutely understand when someone isn’t mentally present. My mother once quietly asked if I’d rather reschedule our lunch when I couldn’t stop checking my phone.
Quality time doesn’t need quantity – just genuine presence.
9. Minimising their health concerns or aging challenges
“You’re fine, stop worrying!” We often dismiss parental health complaints, partly from optimism and partly from our own discomfort facing their mortality. This dismissal can leave them feeling invalidated and alone with their fears.
Parents may downplay symptoms already, worried about burdening us. When we further minimise their concerns, they’re less likely to share important health information. My colleague’s father hid his heart problems for months after she brushed off his fatigue complaints as “just getting older.”
Listening without immediate dismissal shows you respect their experiences.
